im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize