Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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