He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
