the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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