I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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