please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
