I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
