Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
