there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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