I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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