Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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