I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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