drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
