Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
