dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I smell stomach acid.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Randomize
