I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
nutella sex= disaster
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize