While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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