It's Friday. Sex?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
