I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
