why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
he high fived his dick after we had sex
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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