You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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