so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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