I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
