I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
