I think i sorta joined a cult last night
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
