Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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