yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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