I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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