I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
time to smoke my breakfast
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
