She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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