Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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