Ambien. No doubt about it.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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