drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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