I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
