If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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