it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
