Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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