omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
