Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
