The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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