my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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