i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
