To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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