I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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