Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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