I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
