one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
