Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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