He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
