i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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