I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
