Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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