Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize