Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
