If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
