Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
