Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
