I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
