My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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