oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
As shirtless as possible
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
