My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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