what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize