Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
