Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
