Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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